


I Love You; I Don't Love You

by Bangtanboysboo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Cute, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, M/M, Sad, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-07 02:12:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15898815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bangtanboysboo/pseuds/Bangtanboysboo
Summary: Remus breaks up with Sirius because he can't stand the thought of hurting anyone. Little does he know that this is what does the most damage.





	I Love You; I Don't Love You

**Author's Note:**

> My second Wolfstar fic from the marauder's era! Hope you like it!

“I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you!”

“And I’m trying to subtly avoid it!” Sirius Black ducked into the staircase that led to the boys’ dorms of the Gryffindor Common Room. Remus Lupin followed closely behind him. He was trying, unsuccessfully, so get his boyfriend’s undivided attention.

They had made it to their shared dorm where Sirius began absentmindedly shuffling through his suitcase. It was obvious he was only doing this as a distraction and wasn’t looking for anything at all. He was just trying to bide himself some time. He knew it was bad news if Remus wanted to have a serious talk.

A hand grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. The bed post dug painfully into his back. No one else was in the dorm.

“Feeling kinky tonight, Moony?” Sirius flirted. It was a lame attempt at trying to sway his boyfriend’s mission. Remus only sighed. He pushed Sirius backwards until he was sitting on his bed.

“I’m not joking around,” he said stiffly. His eyes were hard, and his lips were pressed into a thin line. Sirius knew it was time to drop the act. “I need to talk to you,” he glanced around the room once more and then sent a silencing spell towards the door. Sirius gulped. He wasn’t used to these kinds of talks, and something akin to dread was building in his stomach. He made to grab at Remus’ hand, but the other boy pulled away.

“Remus what is going on?” He began to worry. The other boy was pacing back and forth in front of him like he didn’t know where to begin.

“I can’t… I can’t be with you!” Remus blurted out. At once, Sirius’ heart turned to ice. This couldn't be happening. This was not happening.

“What… what are you talking about, Remus?” Sirius fought hard to control his voice. 

“We can’t be together. I’m breaking up with you,” he took a big gulp. It was hard to keep eye contact with the other boy’s steely gaze.

“Why?” Sirius’ voice came out rusty. It was obvious he was fighting back tears. Remus had seen the boy shut down many times before from his family’s emotional trauma, and it killed him to see it once more when the culprit was him. “Is it because we’re gay?” Sirius asked.

“I wish it were that easy…” Remus was now trying to fight tears as well. This was ripping apart his soul as well, but Sirius could never know that. This was for the better.

“Don’t,” Sirius’ voice cracked. “Don’t try and pull that werewolf bullshit on me. You know I’m safe with you if I’m in my wolf form. You’re not too dangerous, so don’t even try it!” His voice escalated until he was yelling at the other boy.

Remus cursed silently. He hadn’t expected to be so see through. What poor Sirius didn’t understand was that he was wrong. Remus was all too dangerous. He was surprised he had even made it this far into his education at Hogwarts without hurting anyone. It was only time. Sure, maybe he wouldn’t hurt Sirius in his Animagus form, but the rest of Hogwarts didn’t have that protection. What if he got away from the other boys? There was no sure way to say that this wouldn’t happen. Remus could not stand himself if he hurt someone. It was better to cut off any close relationships now before it took a turn for the worse.

“No,” Remus said quietly. It was easy enough to convince himself that he was dangerous. It was not so easy to say the next thing. The thing that he knew would absolutely tear himself and Sirius apart, but it was the only way. He saw that now. 

“Then what could it possibly be?” Sirius stood up. He took Remus’ hands in his own, and Remus allowed himself for a few moments to revel in the warmth of Sirius’s hands. Then, only a moment later, he pulled away. He refused to look into Sirius’ eyes.

“I don’t… I don’t love you,” he choked out. The room was so silent, Remus could hear the shallow breaths of Sirius.

“Bullshit,” Sirius stated. He stuck his finger in Remus’ chest and took a step forward. Remus took a step back. Sirius was seething now. His chest rose and fell quickly, and tears dripped down his cheeks. Remus wanted to wipe those tears away. “Bullshit you don’t love me,” Sirius took another step forward.

“Please don't make this harder than it has to be, Padfoot-”

“Don’t. Call me that. It seemed like you loved me when you were screaming my name the other night.”

“Sirius, please.”

“It seemed like you loved me when you let me borrow your cardigan in Charms even though you hate when people see your scars.”

“Sirius-”

“It seemed like you loved me when-”

“Enough!” Remus finally burst. He could hardly handle it anymore. He needed to leave before Sirius could pull him back in. “I don’t love you. Leave me alone. We’re over,” he didn’t give Sirius a chance to respond. He stormed out of the dorms and the common room and headed to the only place where he could be alone and think. He went to the Shrieking Shack.

Meanwhile, a huddled form was wracked with sobs. Sirius would not let anyone peel back the curtains of his bed. He had gone through enough emotional abuse to last ten lives. Somehow, this had hurt the worst. Finally, he had allowed himself to trust another. Fully. And it all came crashing down. Maybe he was destined to have a life like this.

Somewhere far away, the howling wind shook a thin wooden shack. As the air leaked through the wooden boards, and Remus thought they sounded like broken sobs.

 

The next week passed by in slow agony. The dorm was uncomfortably quiet. Every time Peter or James tried to spark up a conversation, there was awkward silence from both Remus and Sirius. If they ever caught each other in the halls or the Common Room, they would immediately turn the other way.

Simply put: it was unbearable. Their friendship group was dissolving at the seams.

James knew he had to do something. Even if he couldn’t get them back together, he was hoping that the least he could do was fix their friendship. He couldn’t lose them now, not with whispers of war on the horizon.

The hardest part would be getting them anywhere near each other. While Remus was pretty much avoiding everybody, Sirius was doing his damnedest at pretending that everything was perfectly fine. He was talkative and animated between Peter and James, but there was pain in his eyes and his words came out forced like it was all one big act. Which it was. James had only seen this behavior from Sirius one other time. 

When Sirius had left his parents for the last time, he had acted like it was no big deal for days, that is until James found him sobbing in his own bed one evening. Then everything had come out at once. Years of abuse and pain pouring out in one go. James could only imagine how he was feeling now; his most trusted friend and lover had essentially betrayed him.

James was angry with Remus. It had been hard enough over the last five years to get him to open up at all. He was so talented at hiding his pain. It came to a shock to all of them when they found out he was dating Sirius. Of course, Sirius could pull emotion out of a rock if you left him with it long enough. It was no surprise that he had been able to work himself into Remus’ life full time. He understood why Remus was scared. He was terrified that he would hurt someone, that he would end his own life by making one mistake and he couldn’t let himself be the cause of pain for someone else. Sirius was the first good thing that had happened to him in a long time, and he had done exactly what he was afraid of.

James was going to get them back together if it killed him, but first he had to consult someone much smarter than him.  
“Lily, I need your help,” James slammed his books down on the library table in front of his long-time crush. She looked up from her homework wearily. 

“James, I’m not doing your potions’ homework again,” she turned her attention back to her book. James sighed and grabbed the book from her hands. She glared at him.

“It’s something much more serious than that. I need your help getting Remus and Sirius back together. I know Sirius well, and you know Remus well. I know he’s suffering; don’t try to deny it!”

“He’s been crying in my bed for the past week,” she admitted.

“I knew it! Wait- how did he get into the girl’s-”

“Not of importance right now. I’m in. They’re perfect for each other and I’m sick of having a wet pillow. What’s the plan?”

“Well,” said James as he took a seat across from her. “That’s why I came to you. We need to somehow get them alone together. Somewhere where they can’t run away from each other… or get out until they’ve made up. I was thinking the Room of Requirement, but I thought that would be way too easy for them to hide from each other or get out of…”

Lily looked stumped for a few minutes. James took this time to admire her from afar. It was rare that he got such one on one time with her. Her red hair glowed in the setting sun that came through the windows, and her freckles were beautiful and pronounced. One day, if he worked up the courage, he’d ask her out on a proper date. 

“I got it!” she exclaimed a few minutes later, startling James. She got a nasty glare from the Librarian and lowered her voice. She leaned across the table towards James. He could feel his cheeks grow red. James nodded eagerly.

“The Prefects bathroom. I’ve got privileges. I can get them in there. Remus may be able to get them out but not if I lock it from the outside first. We lure them in. I’m sure they could both use a hot, relaxing bath right about now,” Lily exclaimed. 

“Perfect! Or should I say, Prefect?” James laughed. Lily punched him on the arm. 

 

The plan was set and ready to go. They would get Sirius and Remus together in the Prefects’ bathroom and lock them in. From there, it was really only a matter of time. James didn’t know what he would do if this didn’t work. He was relying on Lily to get Remus down to the bathroom before he brought Sirius. 

It wasn’t hard to find the boy. He was laying in his bed with the curtains drawn. James expected that there was some sort of charm set on the bed so that no one would hear his sobs. James knocked on the bed post.

“Pads?” 

The curtain opened slowly. A teary, red-eyed Sirius peaked out from behind it.

“What do you want, James?” he sniffled.

“I want to help you, my dear friend,” he smiled. He put his arms under Sirius’ armpits, effectively hauling him from the confines of his bed. “God, you smell like a dog. You know what you could use?”

“Alone time?” Sirius grumbled.

“A shower! Exactly!” James steered his friend towards the staircase. He had nearly got him down the stairs when Sirius dug his heels into the ground and whipped around.

“What exactly are you planning?” his eyes narrowed. James hadn’t expected him to be so suspicious so soon. He scrambled to think of something. Turning Sirius back around, he pushed him down the steps.

“A friend can’t do something nice for a friend? I got Lily to get you special entrance into the Prefects bathroom. All the alone time and bubble bath you need, my friend.”

Sirius seemed to concede at that point. He figured there was no point in fighting it and knew that he did in fact need a shower badly. He let James lead him to the Prefects bathroom where Lily Evans was waiting with a big smile.

“Sirius!” she wrapped him in a warm hug. It almost reminded him of… no, he refused to even think the name of the betrayer. “I’ve put a special spell here for the night. Take all the time you need. No one will bother you, I promise,” and with that she shoved him into the bathroom. Something about the locking sound behind him made him feel fairly uneasy. 

The other thing that made him uneasy the complete naked butt he saw about to step into the warm bath.

“Argh!” he yelled. He had, of course, seen this butt many times before, but it felt wrong to see it in this context, the context being that that butt belonged to his now ex. Remus scrambled for a towel to wrap around his waist.

“What the hell are you doing here?” they both yelled at the same time. Remus had finally found a towel to wrap around his waist, but Sirius knew his cheeks were still burning. 

“I happen to be allowed in here because I’m a prefect!” Remus shouted. His cheeks were red as well, but Sirius assumed it was just from anger.

“Yea… well… Lily and James said I could have the place for tonight! Said I needed to relax-”

“Wait. Lily and James brought you here?”

“Yes… why?” Sirius’ voice died out. It was so easy to see now, he wasn’t sure how he’d missed it before. This was all an obvious plot to get Remus and Sirius to talk to one another. Sirius wasn’t sure why they would even try. Remus had made his feelings painfully clear. He turned towards the door and tried to open it. Locked.

“Alohamora,” nothing happened. The door stayed locked. Leave it to Lily Evans, the smartest witch at Hogwarts, to put a more difficult spell on the door. Well, it didn’t look like they were getting out any time soon. Sirius cursed and turned back around. He didn’t want to look at Remus. Just being near him was painful.

“I don’t even know why they’d do this,” Sirius sighed. His back slid against the wall and he sat down, wrapping his arms around his knees. Remus sat down too with his legs dangling in the warm, soapy water. Sirius tried not to think about how absolutely delicious Remus looked half naked.

“Yea...” Remus added quietly. He was fidgeting with his fingers. Sirius couldn’t understand why James and Lily had done this to him unless… unless Remus had been lying about the way he felt. 

“Remus…” Sirius began. He felt like an idiot. If Remus had been lying, then Sirius wanted to throttle the stupid idiot. If Remus had been telling the truth, then Sirius wanted to throttle some other certain people. “Never mind…” he said now feeling stupid.

“You can… you can come over here if you like,” Remus said. He refused to make eye contact and continued to fiddle his thumbs. “I don’t bite… not right now any way,” he joked. 

Sirius inched forward until his feet were also dangling in the warm water. He made sure to keep enough space between the two of them, so they didn’t touch.

“How’ve you been?” Sirius asked with a gulp. His eyes didn’t leave his feet.

“Oh, fine you know. How about you?” He leaned over and bumped Sirius’ shoulder with his own.

“Honestly? I’ve been shit,” he said quietly. He was fighting the tears already. So, Remus hadn’t been lying, and this was just a cruel joke from Lily and James. Remus looked away. Sirius swore he heard a sniffle but brushed it away.

“Me too,” Remus’ voice was raspy. Sirius risked a glance at the taller boy who, even sitting, was a head taller. Remus was staring at him intently with blood shot eyes of his own. 

“You…” Sirius didn’t know what to say.

“I’ve been missing you like mad,” Remus whispered. His eyes closed, releasing fresh tears down his cheeks. Sirius leaned forward, and his hand came to cup Remus’ cheek. The other boy pulled away.

“Please don’t, Sirius.”

“Why not?” Sirius whispered and scooted closer to the sniffling boy. “What’s the real reason you ended it?” He wiped away a stray lock of golden hair from Remus’ forehead.

“If I ever hurt you, or anyone else…”

“But don’t you understand? That’s why you have us. That’s why you have me,” Sirius cupped Remus’ face with both hands now. He pulled Remus head upwards, and finally Remus made eye contact with him. “That’s why you have me,” he whispered once more before pulling Remus fully into him.

Their lips met in a salty reverie of tears and a week’s pain of not being together. Sirius put every feeling he had into the kiss. He needed Remus to understand. He wound his hands tightly in Remus’ hair, and Remus did the same to him. Their lips worked fiercely against each other. The heat was radiating off of Remus in waves and it only spurred Sirius on. He couldn’t get enough of the other boy. A week away from Remus was like quitting drugs cold turkey. Remus was the sweetest drug he could have had. He needed him to survive. His mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than Sirius could have imagined. Remus responded with just as much enthusiasm, and Sirius could feel more wet tears drip down his cheeks. Whether they were his or Remus’ didn’t matter. They were broken, but together they could be whole. 

The broke away after what felt like hours, both breathing heavily and sweating and crying. Sirius tackled Remus in a hug.  
“You fucking idiot. Don’t ever fucking do that to me again!” He nuzzled his way into Remus’ chest, a smell he would never get tired of. This scent meant home to him. He left wet kisses on the boy’s neck and collarbones.

“God, you smell like a wet dog,” Remus laughed into his shoulder. Sirius only smacked him and continued his mission of covering Remus’ body in as many kisses as possible.

“Good thing we’re in a bath house… and oh yea, it just so happens that the door is locked.”

The towel was ripped away from one boy’s waist and the two of them, one naked and one fully clothed, toppled into the warm water.

Somewhere on the other side of a locked door, a pair of students by the names of Lily Evans and James Potter had completely forgotten their mission and were now having their own moment as they kissed each other in the shadows of the hall.


End file.
